Gagging to be, er, gagging on a peen? Read on…
Bored of corona lockdown? Blue balls fit to b-b-b-burst? Then let us introduce you to new London drag superstar Cun Tucky – she might just be able to give you filthy fellas a hand! This Cun hun is a gobby new London scene queen whose volunteered to play Cupid for self-isolating gays who are ravenous to swallow fleshy swords or to get a hole in one. Here, the saucy queen talks bad dates, bad sex and all manner of filth…. If you want to get your paws on young Homeo’s draws, click this link https://bit.ly/2xtvp8O.
Tell us about this exciting new show of yours, Cun? What’s it all about?
It’s called ‘Get Lucky with Cun Tucky’. I’m Cun Tucky. It’s a brand new isolation dating show with a secret recipe to spice up your lock down. Each week, three plucky Cun-testants will be playing to win a virtual date with a horny Homeo. All they need to do is answer a few questions to convince the fella they are the perfect match. The challenge is, with their cameras turned off, can they still turn him on?
Ooh, we love it.
Fabulous! Fans of dating shows will simply adore it as I’ve ripped all the bastards off! There’s a bit of ‘Love is Blind’, though there’s no obligation to take anyone up the aisle (unless you ask nicely). There’s a dash of ‘Too Hot To Handle’ as there’s no sexual contact and there’s even a little bit of ‘Love Island’, as coupling up guarantees a win and a shag, but sadly no big money prize or a media career! But I’ve brought the art of dating shows back to their cheap and campy game show roots. Think Blind Date, think Blankety Blank. At the end of the day, it’s still a drag show, which that means there’s no fucking budget!
How did you come up with the idea?
Well, darling, I realised that if you can’t sing on Instagram live, or lip sync on Tik Tok there’s not much for a hideous drag queen to do in an end of the world lockdown. Well that’s what I thought until I heard one of those outlandish urban myths that often do the rounds. You know the kind – a friend of a friend knows a guy who swore blind to Pat Butcher that he genuinely found a microchip in his sweet and sour. I can’t believe that darling, because that what mean my stomach is full of them. If I’m ever lucky enough to be surprised by something hard in my mouth, I do what I do best and swallow quick before it has a chance to run away.
Don’t we all, Cun!
Well, apparently, some fella matched with a girl on Tinder and Monzo’ed her a fiver to buy a bottle of wine for their zoom date – I mean who said chivalry is dead, right? I mean, he at least could have slid her £6.50 so she could have got herself a nice bottle of Blossom Hill or a Hardy’s. What’s a fiver going to get ya? A bottle of battery acid and a bad case of heart burn. Spoilt Rotten.
Anyway…?
So that’s when I realised, there are loads of people out there who are fucking desperate and single. As luck would have it I also just happen to be a nosey old cow that loves meddling in other people’s business. So why not play matchmaker? It was either that, or start a pub quiz, but those filthy frigid heteros have really got that market cornered already.
So what kind of fellas are you looking for?
Dom tops only need apply and my number is 07..
No, Cun, I meant for the show.
Oh, for the show…We’ll I’ve always believed there’s someone out there for everyone – I mean, even that old witch Katie Hopkins has kids. This lockdown is giving everyone a chance to stop and reflect, and see what it’s like to be alone. Now, more than ever we are looking to make deeper connections, and not just get a gob job behind a Biffa bin. So honestly, anyone on the spectrum is welcome – the rainbow spectrum, that is? This isn’t The Undatables!
Do you think it’s hard for gays to date these days?
They’re bloody gay, of corse it’s hard! Let’s face it, gay dating has never been easy. It’s gone from friends of Dorothy and behind closed doors, to everyone’s out and the door’s on the latch.
What do you think the best method is to find a fella?
The best way to get my knickers hitting the floor is buy me a bucket of white wine. You can’t do that on Grindr, can you darling? Yes, I always think the thrill is in the chase, the flirtatious attraction. The ‘will we? won’t we?’ That’s why I prefer prowling the bars for my prey… With the apps, it’s always a bit of a rush to get spread eagled before they have a chance to realise I look nothing like my filtered pictures of someone else. So whilst the bars are tragically shut for the foreseeable, I hope my gameshow will be a nicotine patch for those that prefer a challenge.
Boys can be shot on dates. What are the big nos-nos?
Well, that all depends on whether you fancy them or not. If you fancy them – and I never thought I’d say this- the biggest mistake is putting out on the first date. Yes, I know, I know. It’s sounds crazy, but as soon as they’ve gobbled your creampie, they go all Ariana Grande and it’s ‘thank u next’ bitch. The good news, is if you get lucky on my new gameshow, It’s fool proof. You won’t be able to put out on your first date, because you’ll win a virtual date in the privacy of your own home. OOOooooOOOO.
What are dating mistakes we all make?
Worst up, only ever send nudes on Snapchat, because there will always one twat that will share it with his slaggy mates. Before you know it, your peen has been round Clapham more times than you have. Secondly, don’t play ‘hard to get’. It never works, even more so now we’re in lockdown. ‘Oh, you were too busy answer the phone?’ What? Tending to your blood blisters? Having a bleedin’ wank more like and not thinking about me. the cheek!
Do you think gay guys have too many options to be loyal and settle down?
Ha, well they did have too many options. Fellas were always looking for the next thing, even when they were balls deep in your arse. There were thirsty bitches everywhere, and not enough to drink. But not anymore darling. Unless you know a guy that has a two metre dick, we’ve no options at all. Well except one… Did I mention my gameshow?
Is cock size an issue or could you live without a big ‘un?
The true test for me is whether they can make it through the hole I leave in the back of my padding. If they can navigate through that then, my darling, they are a keeper.
And how thick is your padding?
At least 8 inches.
Jeepers! So Cunny, do you think Coronavirus has ruined gay life?
The short answer is, us gays have history with viruses, and it’s never stopped us before, so no fucking way. Sure, our balls are blue as all the prides, Mightly Hoopla and Eurovision have been cancelled, but life’s just on pause, and not just for the gays. What’s getting me through is thinking the rainbow coloured fuck fest it’ll be when we’ll finally get let out once again. It won’t be pretty!
So tell me a bit more about Cun Tucky.
Well what do you want to know? I’m an open book. With open legs and an open….
Tell us more about what kind of queen you are?
I am what you all a comedy queen, as you can tell, darling. I bounce well off people, and bounce even better on them for a fiver. Before the lockdown I was a hostess at a fabulous bar called the Tooting Tram and Social but as for my future plan? Who the fuck knows? Have you ever met a drag queen with a plan? I mean I guess I could release a music vide…oh wait. Seriously though, it be great to see Cun Tucky playing match maker on stage in somewhere like the RVT or Brewers?
Which queens do admire?
I mean they are all amazing. My idol is Bianca Del Rio, hilariously vile, and I love her style! Then you have the amazing Danny Beard and the gorgeous Mary Mac, who are not only incredible singers but can have us pissing our knickers with laughter. I do adore the fabulous old school gutter-robbed queens like Mrs Moore and Miss Jason. And then, of course, there are all those gorgeous Drag Race UK queens.,The Vivienne, Vinegar, Baga. I’ve worked with them, darling. All the greats.
Any of them given you any advice?
As for advice, I’m still pretty new to the drag circuit, so if any of them want to slip into my DM’s I’m ready and waiting to receive. I’m a great receiver, you know. Just sayin’!
What is your dating life like?
Have you ever seen Titanic? Well it’s just like that.
What, you like to go down with a load of seaman clinging onto you for dear life?
I’m over in three hours, and I always leaves ‘em crying.
Have fellas ever fallen in love with Cunny?
Only every night I’m working, or at least they think they do. Bless the bastards. Café Patron will do that to you. Its my special love potion. Once they sober up, it’s game over. Their balls are drained, and slipped a twenty out of their wallets. All they have to remember me by is the faint whiff of Britney Spear’s Fantasy’ and a two week course of antibiotics.
So, have you ever had sex as cunny?
She’s never been deflowered. She still holds some traditional Christian values. So she only ever does anal. That’s right. They always ‘Get Lucky with Cun Tucky’
So who would you like to hear from for the show?
From tops to bottoms, fats to femmes, gender diverse to ethnically diverse, we are all queer and fabulous in our own way, and that’s enough to Get Lucky. So whether you want to be a hunky homeo, or plucky cun. all you need to do to apply is click this link https://bit.ly/2xtvp8O, or if you want to a chat with Cunny first, follow me on Instagram @Cun_Tucky or drop me an email at GetLuckywithCunny@gmail.com